So you've just been ditched...

Were you just dreaming the last two months? Or did it actually happen? Was it a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare?
You wake up and take a look around the lounge. The Hangover 3?! Who do all these possesions belong to??
Somewhat familiar but more boy-like. You take a sniff of one of the hoodies and you sense a strange de ja vu like feeling... Except you're pretty sure the last time you smelt the said item it was occupied by a member of the male species and not just a block of parmesan.
What's a girl to do? How is she supposed to get help with these memories if no one else was in the dream?
After sniffing several items your nostrils are bleeding and you realise that you were in fact awake through the whole thing. The WHOLE THING.

So begins the exorcism.

1. Eradicate the smell. Load the washing machine. Swwwwwwwshhhhhhhhh

2. Hang out on clothes horse. Dry.

3. Fold into a neat pile on the lone green couch just the way he left you that cold, dark, grey Sunday evening.

4. Blow your nose a million times and leave the tissues on the floor.

5. Get over that.

6. Line items up and take photos of them for TradeMe. List as "Pre-loved but no longer required! $5 each or take all six for $20!!! One size fits... most."

7. Nothing sells, not even a 'watcher'. Walk down to the street - "Scuse me missss..." - "no i don't have any change but here - have this hoodie!"

8. Clothing dispatched. Next item. Play a game of beer pong (with VODKA) and decide it's a good idea to text him.

9. It wasn't.

10. Emily Emotional comes to the party uninvited and your friend tells her to fuck off. Good, you're ready to party at the church and on your way out you trip over a fucking oblong shaped wooden contraption with wheels.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mhuDQcXd64

11. GRRR! Da fuq am I supposed to do with this?!?

12. *insert girl power talk about how to get rid of un-wanted penises in your life* Collaborate with girlfriend about how to "cleanse" .

13. It's 10pm on a Saturday evening. Take a walk along the waterfront! Duh.

14. Lipstick on - check. Lashes - check. Heels - check. Unwanted skateboard - check.

15. Find appropriate and accessible throwing spot along Wellington harbour. *insert un-prepared penis eulogy (not hard to do, thank you PYCCKNN CTAHDAPT vodka)*

16. Are we ready??! 1... 2... 3...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opiUSeayXwQ

17. 7.30am the next morning... ouch... 'what happened to my head?' *JUMP out of bed* It's gone... nope, that WASN'T a dream, you did throw the skateboard.....over board.

18. *expletives* He says he wants to come pick up his shit. *more expletives* Compose message "Sorry, I'm going for walk along the waterfront with my friend tonight..."

19. Relaying Saturday night's antics to friend while walking along side the harbour.. Friend is in full gym workout gear. You, not so much. It had been raining that day so ground is wet, sky atmospheric grey, wind blowing so hard in your face you continually lose your goddam breath. Re-thinking walk. Seriously. Friend says 'fuck this shit let's find shelter' and finds some ducks down those steps.. Steps are wet. "What about under here?" - "OOH should we sit UNDER THE BRIDGE like homeless people?!"..............

20. Under the bridge you peer - "Oh no, there's people pashing!" Your stomach flips then drops like a Rainbows end ride when you realise.......... Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh - one of the pashers is skateboard owner aka ex-penis.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwlogyj7nFE&ob=av2e

All the single ladies

1. "There's plenty of fish in the sea" - Yea, there's millions. But, I don't want a fish! I want a man, with a loving, fun, caring personality and a nice penis. Seriously, that's not much to ask for.
2. "The right one is just around the corner" - Wow, well I must be blind, or he's under some rubble and concrete waiting to be made in to a freakin road.
3. "You're too picky" - No, it wasn't because of his comb over or need to shake Ted Bundy's hand that I released this "catch" into the wild....
4. "You don't need a man to be happy" - Yes, hell yes, I do. I mean sure, I'm happy without, duh. My friends, family and work make me happier than ever. But, it is human nature to want monogamy. We are built that way. It is human freakin nature to want a partner.
5. "It will come when you least expect it" - Fuck, I never expect it. And I'm sorry, but after the shit I've put up with I want to be ready.
6. Enough with the "constructive criticism". We live in a world of stunning technological advancement, but it remains physically impossible to wear your heart on your sleeve and be emotionally distant, dress like a slut and a librarian, try much too hard and not make any real effort.
7. Being single shouldn't define me. It doesn't. So, can you stop. Please stop asking me if I "have a boyfriend yet".
8. It would be nice if everyone stopped looking at me like 'aw, single sara, i wonder if she has a boyfriend'. You do! You all do! All the time! It'll be fairly obvious when I do. I'll tell you. Until then, I will continue to be awesome Sara on my own.
9. I am never going to change myself just to be in a "happy relationship" so...
10. "You need to relax a bit" ?? - So should I compromise my strong personality because he finds it intimidating? If he thinks I'm high maintenance, then maybe I am. He gets me as I am or he doesn't get me at all.
11. "Ooh, how's your biological clock ticking?" - Whether you want to have children or not, this statement (in whatever way it comes) is offensive. If we want babies, it's going to hurt. If we don't, yet love children, we are going to get defensive. We are single, that's enough without mentioning the fact that having children without men is hard.
12. No, I don't want to be placed center front desperately waiting for the brides bouquet to fly into my hands. Thank you, but no. I'd rather be sipping champagne and dancing.
13. "There's one for you Sara!" - No. No it's not. Being single does not equal desperate.
14. "I don't understand where you're going wrong" - I'm not!!! These FOOLS just seem to be attracted to my gorgeous self. End of story.
15. Oh, I forgot the best one "You need to put yourself out there more" - Okay, I'll put my best dress on and see you on the corner of Vivian and Marion in 2 hours. .
16. Dirty Dancing has the best "sex scene" ever.
17. I want romance.
18. I want electric kisses.
19. I want fireworks.
20. Seriously. I want sexy Sundays.

P.s This was written after 2 full circles at The Food Show which I left with a bottle of gin and two coffee beers.

Feeling fly like a G6

1. I don't need 'plus size' clothes spam emails sent to me anymore. thanks.
2. No more excuses. I've been there. Way down there. But if I can lose 45kg with MY OWN determination then YOU can too.
3. I'm not amazing. I went to the gym 5-6 times a week all year and ate healthy. It's not rocket science.
4. Thank god some of us aren't building rockets actually, coz we'd all blast off and die if we were.
5. I said I wasn't amazing, but it takes a special kind of person to be able to do that by themselves.
6. 5-6 times a week included, at times, two spin classes in a row, a 1/2 marathon, a full marathon, group training, Fight-Do classes, X55 classes, and hours on the treadmill.
7. A little sweat never hurt anybody. It actually doesn't happen overnight.
8. Shit on me if you wish. I believe in Karma.
9. I'm mad. Can you tell?!
10. I can't be bothered waking up tomorrow.
11. I have been up, down, backwards and forwards with emotions this year. Over it.
12. Actually man dressed as lady, you don't look like a female so stop looking at me like I'M judging.
13. I still resent you, man with big digger outside my apartment. What was wrong with the footpath before Celia?
14. Moving away from Wellington is not the answer. Where are you going to go to? Japan?
15. Can't believe I said that? That's my point though. No matter where you go, mother nature is going to kick your arse because we've all been pricks to her. Stop being a prick!
16. I bought sexy lingerie. It didn't go unappreciated.
17. I will never move back to the hutt valley.
18. I am now officially a city snob.
19. Fuck winter. Now I have to buy a proper coat.
20. For once, it would be nice if someone fought for me. Stood up for me. Pursued me. Thought about me as much as I thought about them. God dammit I deserve to be wanted. Badly.

Time to get real...

1. I'm not happy.
2. I'm not okay.
3. I smile, but I'm pretending.
4. I miss my aunty.
5. I miss my bey.
6. I've felt like I've been swimming upstream all year.
7. I'm tired.
8. I'm emotionally exhausted.
9. I'm heartbroken my own mother screamed at me, and didn't stand up for me.
10. I'm heartbroken my own mother chose her loser "boyfriend" over me.
11. I hate my stomach.
12. I hate my stupid thighs.
13. I hate my feet.
14. I want to fall asleep peacefully tonight but I know it won't happen.
15. I hope I don't cry myself to sleep again.
16. I wish I lived closer to Mel so I could hug the babies more.
17. I wish I lived closer to Aunty Karen so I could stay at her house more.
18. I think I may have missed out on the great guy who was there all along and that makes me feel like a big loser.
19. In the grand scheme of things, I can't believe I'm complaining about things that are so stupid.
20. In the grand scheme of things, though, this is my little world, and it's not fun at all to be in at the moment.

I'm not perfect. But I promise I'm worth it.

1. No matter how thick skinned we try to be, there's millions of electrifying nerve endings in there. Open and exposed and feeling way too much. Try as we might to keep from feeling pain, sometimes it's just unavoidable. Sometimes that's the only thing left - just feeling.
2. Sometimes my heart is beating so hard, when he holds me I’m worried he can feel it.
3. The other day, a customer came up to me at the coffee machine and said “Robbie and I were talking about what a great barista you are. You make really great coffee. And we were saying what a beautiful smile you have”
   How nice was that? Who takes the time to do that anymore? It should be normal. It actually made my day, I was having a shit one until then. So go people, tell that person you think has a nice smile that they have a nice smile! Remember, everyone is fighting some kind of battle. You don’t know just how much your words may affect them, or make their day just that little bit better.
4. There isn’t a minute in the day that I don’t think about my nieces or nephews that are in my best friends belly. I love them with all my heart already.
5. Thanks creepy little Indian man, that’s the last time I stop to see if someone needs directions.
6. Naked lady at the gym wears almost undies to work out in.
7. I love my morning hugs from Katie Pie. People don't hug enough anymore. Everyday is a good day. If you wake up, it's a good day. You're alive and life is good. So hug!
8. Isaiah Washington (Preston Burke on Grey's Anatomy) might just be up there with Denzel Washington for me. Google image them. OH
9. I spent the evening with two beautiful ladies last night. We enjoyed a delicious dinner at Floriditas, our work place, and had an amazing night. Fantastic food and great service in a relaxed atmosphere. What a treat. You should really go there.
10. I signed up for a new challenge at the gym. It's just a 30 day summer challenge, just before christmas. The only thing I'm disappointed at is I wasn't the first to sign the sheet! Ha.
11. Parris. January is aaages away. Come back sooner!
12. I can't wait to be a teacher. I can't wait to have 30 little people to teach and encourage and look after. I'm going to be a great teacher.
13. I had a nightmare about spiders last night. First in ages. The disgusting, ugly, 8 legged aliens thought they could live in the corner of my room. So unbelievably not okay
14. We do not get unlimited chances. No matter how hard we try to fight it, life is short. So grab it every chance you get. Don't give up. Because whatever it is you're fighting for, is probably worth it.
15. I'm looking forward to going to work tomorrow.
    
16. I want to own all seasons of Grey's Anatomy on DVD. I want!
17. I'm going to go out to Petone soon. And it's going to be overwhelming and great. I can't wait to see everyone.
18. I am optimistic. I am hopeful. But I am not sure. And this annoys me. Of course, I am still the bright-eyed, optimistic, hopeful Sara everyone loves, but some days I don't feel it. I just wanted you to know that some days I am not great, and I may need a cuddle.
    
19. My favourite colour is green but I wear lots of red. My mission is to find green stuff to wear this summer. Summer! So close I can feel it, smell it, and taste it. It feels euphoric, it smells like fresh cut grass and tastes like sparkling crisp, sauvignon blanc.
20. I'm having such an amazing year, I don't want it to end. But y'know what? It doesn't have to. This year, will just continue. Of this, I am sure.

Diddy Dirty Money

1. I still think it’s my clothes that have stretched. Magically, in the wardrobe.
2. “Take a bow” by Madonna reminds me of going to Stokes Valley pool with my Aunty Karen to do aqua jogging. It was the cool down song played while we were stretching. Haha. I love music.
3. I’ve been living in 1992 – 1995 for the last 3 days. Good, good times.
4. I bought the cassette single (cassingle) of “No tengo dinero” by Los Umbrellos. YES.
5. I’m sick of the naked lady at the gym. Why is she always just hanging out (ew, literally) by the lockers when I need to get into the one right next to her? Ugh
6. Okay bagpipe man. You’ve been wailing outside McDonald's on Manners since i woke up at 10am. Go somewhere ELSE.
7. My phone is yelling at me. “LOW BATTERY!” Gee, sorry. Here, charge.
8. There is never a wrong time to listen to Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley.
9. What makes you come into a full, busy, no-room-to-move restaurant and order a short black then stand in the way of waitresses trying to deliver food and coffee? It’s because you have an awesome fluorescent 80s jacket on with stubbies and flip flops and think everyone wants to be your friend. Oh, and sorry I forgot, we’re the only restaurant in WELLINGTON.
10. Stan Walker. Corn rows. No, no, no. You look like Savage! Just... No!
11. Who else can eat an entire packet of rice wafers in one sitting? Help me out here. Do you know what I'm trying to do right now? I'm trying to figure out how to write this at the same time as dip "just one more" wafer into the hummus. And don't try to tell me it's okay because they're healthy. A WHOLE packet. Okay so there's 2 left. Whoopie.
12. I'm having the most relaxing weekend I've had in a while. Slept in, went to the gym, ate sushi, hung out with bestie. Doesn't make going back to work on a Monday any easier but at least I will look refreshed.
    
13. Watching a bit of the Teen Choice Awards last night with Ru'a was... kind of painful. The rubbish they are calling music and the glorifying of the "artists" for making it, it's astounding. Plus, we really started to feel our age when we didn't know who half of the "artists" were.
14. Egad, now I want chocolate.
15. In a couple of weeks I will be the proud new owner of brand new GHD hair straighteners.
16. I have 5 movies to watch by Thursday. Then another 4 by Saturday. Sorry, so after my personal training sessions and epic workouts when am I supposed to do this? Along with dinner, showers and reading. I definately need to do some kind of time management course before I go to uni...
17. I'm really excited, for no specific reason. 2009 Sara would hate me right now.
    
18. iTunes is on random and Babyface "Soon as I get home" just came on. Swoon.
    
19. Freaking out a little bit about the fact that it's the 9th month of the year almost. WAH, slow down!!!
20. Everybody should join Twitter. I tweet. Find me.

Too late for a marathon...

For some reason I feel like it might take me just as long to write about the marathon as it took me to walk it.
So, just a couple of things that stick out today before I force myself to sleep:

1. It is not okay to wear beige, shorter than 3/4 pants but not shorts, pants to the gym. It is not okay.
   
2. My beloved steak has thrown my love back in my face and made my tummy feel gross.
   
3. I desperately wish I could sleep in tomorrow
4. Last night I made a mystical garden with cardboard and sugary, gluey water stuff.
5. I knew what earrings I'm going to wear tomorrow at 8am this morning.
   
6. The best time to pluck your eyebrows is after a personal training session. Your skin is hot and soft, and other parts of your body are in so much pain you don't notice the hairs being ripped out of your eyebrow.
7. Did I mention how cool Jill Scott is?
8. Tomorrow and Friday I am waitress Sara. Coool
9. There are clothes all over my bedroom floor. Aaall over it. It's an effort to get in and out. Promise to tidy it before you come over.
   
10. This is officially Epic Workout Week.
11. Thursday mornings I run to work to avoid the drunks on their way home from Bluenote. Ew.
12. Mel Gibson just keeps getting creepier.
13. I LOVE the guy with feathers in his hat, who sets up a square area with cushions and paces around it singing. He alternates between each end of Manners Mall. AW
14. The "scuse me miss....." guy however, can naff off.
    
15. Angie Stone is pretty rad too.
16. There is a rave/flatwarming in the apartment building next to ours on Saturday. a RAVE.
    
17. A customer told me yesterday that he sometimes has nightmares about one of our cds we play in the restaurant. Fab.
18. Each time I leave the gym I look forward to going back the next day. Weirdo.
19. The last two days of the 30 day challenge I get to pick a session and teach a friend. Any takers?
20. It is so way past my bedtime. (What IS your bedtime Sara?)